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TFLN Masterpost WIP [ooc]
May. 21st, 2024 08:07 amAn entire catalogue of all the weird, wonderful and downright TMI weird texts that Lieutenant Hank Anderson sent after a night of drinking. As Hank has many booze nights, this will be updated weekly.
Feel free to respond to any texts you may have gotten from him here or on the posts:
23/02/2019 https://bakerstreet.dreamwidth.org/5563869.html?thread=2438833117#cmt2438833117
1. help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
2. It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
3. My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its Saturday and I have nothing else planned
4. I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
5. You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a successful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
03/02/2019 https://bakerstreet.dreamwidth.org/5579067.html?thread=2444217659#cmt2444217659
1. Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Sumo in the eye again.
2. You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
3. Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
4. Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
5. I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done.
6. Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
7. All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo."
8. You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
9. You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
09/03/2024 https://bakerstreet.dreamwidth.org/5592556.html?thread=2450620908#cmt2450620908
1. You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
2. I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
3. I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
4. Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
5. How naked do you want me to be?
6. No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
12/04/2024 https://bakerstreet.dreamwidth.org/9838743.html?thread=4053454231#cmt4053454231
1. Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
2. We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him.
3. It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
4. can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
5. I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Connor” written on my chest in frosting.
6. The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
7. I did not marry a roomba.
8. Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
9. This is what I get for listening to androids.
10/05/2024 https://bakerstreet.dreamwidth.org/9938129.html?thread=4077087441#cmt4077087441
1. I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
2. I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
3. Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
4. He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
5. We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
6. Let the record show that I hate your ass.
7. You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
8. What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
9. At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
10. Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
16/05/2024 https://bakerstreet.dreamwidth.org/9956385.html?thread=4086029345#cmt4086029345
1. He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
2. i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
3. I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
4. Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
5. i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
6. I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
7. seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
8. he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
9. i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
10. my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
24/05 https://bakerstreet.dreamwidth.org/9978429.html?thread=4090907197#cmt4090907197
1. Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
2. Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
3. just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
4. We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
5. I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
6. I want to shit on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
7. if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
8. I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my pants
9. I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
10. So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
31/05 https://bakerstreet.dreamwidth.org/10002827.html?thread=4097684619#cmt4097684619
1. just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
2. I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a dick piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
3. Getting a high five from your dog when you're drunk is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
4. I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
5. video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
6. I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
7. congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
8. Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
9. we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
10. I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
11. [Text him. Cross canon and misfires welcome]
07/06 https://bakerstreet.dreamwidth.org/10028517.html?thread=4104022245
1. He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
2. I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
3. Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
4. He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
5. So Gavin sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks Reed.
6. Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
7. One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
8. this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
9. Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
10. If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
11. [Text him. Cross canon and misfires welcome.]
Feel free to respond to any texts you may have gotten from him here or on the posts:
23/02/2019 https://bakerstreet.dreamwidth.org/5563869.html?thread=2438833117#cmt2438833117
1. help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
2. It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
3. My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its Saturday and I have nothing else planned
4. I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
5. You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a successful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
03/02/2019 https://bakerstreet.dreamwidth.org/5579067.html?thread=2444217659#cmt2444217659
1. Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Sumo in the eye again.
2. You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
3. Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
4. Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
5. I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done.
6. Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
7. All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo."
8. You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
9. You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
09/03/2024 https://bakerstreet.dreamwidth.org/5592556.html?thread=2450620908#cmt2450620908
1. You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
2. I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
3. I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
4. Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
5. How naked do you want me to be?
6. No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
12/04/2024 https://bakerstreet.dreamwidth.org/9838743.html?thread=4053454231#cmt4053454231
1. Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
2. We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him.
3. It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
4. can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
5. I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Connor” written on my chest in frosting.
6. The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
7. I did not marry a roomba.
8. Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
9. This is what I get for listening to androids.
10/05/2024 https://bakerstreet.dreamwidth.org/9938129.html?thread=4077087441#cmt4077087441
1. I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
2. I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
3. Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
4. He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
5. We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
6. Let the record show that I hate your ass.
7. You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
8. What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
9. At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
10. Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
16/05/2024 https://bakerstreet.dreamwidth.org/9956385.html?thread=4086029345#cmt4086029345
1. He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
2. i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
3. I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
4. Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
5. i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
6. I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
7. seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
8. he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
9. i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
10. my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
24/05 https://bakerstreet.dreamwidth.org/9978429.html?thread=4090907197#cmt4090907197
1. Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
2. Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
3. just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
4. We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
5. I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
6. I want to shit on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
7. if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
8. I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my pants
9. I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
10. So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
31/05 https://bakerstreet.dreamwidth.org/10002827.html?thread=4097684619#cmt4097684619
1. just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
2. I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a dick piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
3. Getting a high five from your dog when you're drunk is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
4. I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
5. video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
6. I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
7. congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
8. Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
9. we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
10. I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
11. [Text him. Cross canon and misfires welcome]
07/06 https://bakerstreet.dreamwidth.org/10028517.html?thread=4104022245
1. He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
2. I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
3. Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
4. He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
5. So Gavin sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks Reed.
6. Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
7. One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
8. this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
9. Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
10. If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
11. [Text him. Cross canon and misfires welcome.]
